Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Walker's Shortbread Dredges Up Bad Memories for FBR Staffer Lorraine

It was a tale of two biscuits at FBR world headquarters today with Scottish biscuit champion Walker's Shortbread causing both tears of gastronomic joy and horrible child labour terror for FBR staffer and River Clyde expert Lorraine.

The poor wee dear escaped the horrendous conditions of the Glasgow shortbread mines* as a young lassie, swimming to Canada with her parents. 

Lorraine, shown in a secret Canadian refugee camp, reflects back on her time as a child shortbread miner in Scotland.


The emotionally drained Glaswegian struggled to come to terms with her culturally ingrained cravings for shortbread and the awful memories of 18 hour shifts pick-axing slabs of shortbread from the rich buttery underground seams commonly found in western Scotland.  "When I think back to those days, I feel so fortunate to be in Canada. Otherwise I'd still be a child miner**. Sure, I might have worked my way to the packaging department or even the department where they hand carve the thistles on the round biscuits, but jings, it's no way to live is it?"  



The boys from Strathclyde Primary School.  These particular boys may not have worked in the shortbread mines - from the looks of them, they may have worked in the Chocolate Digestive mine...

Foremen at the mines were often stereotypical. This one eventually came to Canada to voice the original "Roll up the Rim to Win" commercials. 



Many child miners developed "miner's haunch" after years in the cramped underground shortbread seams. 


*Most children under 7 years of age did not work in the shortbread mines. They worked in the coal mines.
** Theoretically, she would not still be a child miner.  She would be a grown-up miner.

Monday, 10 February 2014

FBR Public Service - How To Say Biscuit(s) in Other Languages!


Hello biscuit eaters!



Polska biszkopty
Hrvatska biskvit
Nederland biscuitje

Biscuit Review #13 - Napolitanke s çokoladom! Vafel Proizvod




Biscuit Review #12 - Party BISZKOPTY z GALARETKA MALLNOWA w CZEKOLADZIE! (Jaffa Raspberry with Chocolate)




Biscuit Review #11 - Party Jaffa Apricot w Czekoladzie!




Biscuit Review #10 - Jezyki Classic NAJEŻONE BAKALIAMI w CZEKOLADZIE MLECZNEF! Poland Throws Down With Gold Medal Contender!




Biscuit Review #9 - Weiss Ginger Filled Hearts!




Biscuit Review #8 - Mini Stroopwafels!




Biscuit Review #7 - Manner! Kirsten Revisits Her Childhood!




Monday, 3 February 2014

Biscuit Review #5 - Quadratini! (Hazelnut)



Hello biscuit eaters!!  Welcome back to the fastest growing foreign biscuit review blog on all of the Internets*.  In this review, we're chomping on the Austro-Italian joint venture Quadratini.  It's a tasty little offering from our friends at Loacker.**

The Quadratini is the only biscuit we know of that is made in Tyrol.  Speaking of, the only other Tyrol reference we're aware of is in the song below...  Spoiler alert - If you are Scottish, have a tissue handy as your eyes will not be dry...











As always, the Biscuit staff had some comments:

Erin - "Deeelightful!  If the Surgeon General had a biscuit to recommend, I'm quite confident this would be the one."  1000 omgs. 

Emilia - "Meh. Didn't love it, didn't hate it."  250 omgs. 

Betty - "OMG!!  Look at how cute these little guys are.  And so delicious!  And so light and airy!  I love this project!"  15,000 omgs.

Lorraine - "Sorry, but not my favourite. It was a wee but chalky."  45 omgs

Gloria - "these are so cute and delicious. You know who would love these? My kids! Also, they could be quite useful in teaching fractions as I'm pretty sure 4 Quadratinis makes a whole one."  210 (1024) omgs.

Kirsten - "Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this isn't a wonderful biscuit. It is. I'm just saying that it's not a Manners."  500 omgs

John - "Lovely, light and fresh as a crisp winter morning.  I quite liked it."  700 omgs. 

Sean - abstained. 0 omgs. 

Guest Reviewer Kate - "So happy to be included!  I love it.  A lovely little hazelnut blossom."  750 omgs

Guest  Reviewer Steph - "Nice but too crunchy for this early in the morning" 350 omgs. 

* If not all of the Internets, then hopefully some of them.
** They probably don't exactly know about us, so strictly speaking, we may not be their friends yet.  But we are really nice and and can't see why they wouldn't want to be our friends.  

Biscuit Review #4 - Pim's Raspberry! Medicinal Qualities or Just a Lovely Treat?


Hello there biscuit eaters!!  Back to Belgium for this review.  After the possible cold-causing Pim's Orange (Review #3), we had to hop on the raspberry train* to see what medical breakthroughs we might observe.



The health benefits controversy of Pim's Raspberry continued last Thursday and Friday at FBR world headquarters with no clear-cut answer.  Cold sufferer Emilia showed some improvement with her condition being upgraded from serious to stable.  Her claims that the well known "Raspberry Effect" was working** were swiftly challenged by Science expert Kirsten who continued her hunger strike to protest the shocking lack of serious scientific inquiry and spurious scientific claims littering the Review. 

FBR staffer and raspberry-medicinal-effects-believer Emilia*** runs slow motion through a meadow after magically being cured...
Fortunately, the non-afflicted FBR team was able to offer their thoughts on the biscuit:

Erin - "Fantastic!!  Obviously, the Tim Tam retains a special place for me, but this raspberry offering is a delight to the sense."  999.9 omgs.

Betty - "It's like these cookies are dancing in my mouth."****  OMG x 50,000.  50,000 omgs.

Lorraine - "Loved it.  A delightful marriage of spongy cookie, raspberry and chocolate.  Seriously, though, when are we doing Walker's shortbread?"  900 omgs.

John - "A lovely biscuit.  I did not think the Pim's Orange would be topped, but I was wrong.  This only helps Belgium's claim to biscuit behemoth-ness."  950 omgs.

Sean - BORING.  This is all you've got.  Eat cookies and talk about it?  Whatever dude.  I'm going to make a green shake.  Later.


* we didn't actually hop on a raspberry train.  We don't think there is such a thing.  We kind of wish there was though.
** there may not be a "Raspberry Effect".  She may just have been getting better.
*** not actually Emilia
**** not a made up quotation.  She really said it.

Friday, 31 January 2014

Our Mission!

Our mission is to eat biscuits. Mostly foreign biscuits. And then say what we think. It's not complicated. 

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Biscuit Review #3 - Pim's Orange European Biscuit! Controversy Abounds at FBR World HQ!



Hi biscuit eaters!!  Welcome back for our third review.  The Tim Tams have been safely put back into the FBR biscuit tin so we can report on Pim's Orange European biscuits.  Pim's are the pride of the Belgian biscuit industry*.  Belgium is of course, one of the largest countries in central Asia**.




No sooner had we opened the package at the wrong end when controversy erupted.  While the rest of the staff rejoiced at the delightful combination of spongy biscuit, marmalade and chocolate, FBR shoe expert Emilia found the Pim's Orange to be one of the most disagreeable biscuits she'd ever tried.  

Emilia*** doing an admirable job disguising her feelings for the Pim's Orange...


Emilia****, moments after the Pim's orange, suffering a wicked head cold.
She later reported a bad head cold, which she attributed to the Pim's Orange*****, suggesting a raspberry jam would likely not have had the same effect.


Despite the confusion, our staff managed to pull together in time of crisis to contribute their reviews:

Erin - "Given that my foreign biscuit expertise centres in and around Oceania, I did not know what to expect from the crafty Belgians.  I know they can put out a waffle and a Blonde ale like it's nobody's business, but a biscuit?  That's asking a lot and yet they delivered.  Kudos, Belgium!!"  999 omgs

Emilia - "Ugh,  I dink I dot a code.  Raspberry cure pease!"  -100,000 omgs

Betty - OMG x 10,000!  10,000 omgs

Lorraine - "I was leery of the Belgians and this clear Jaffa Cake rip off, but I have to say, this is a clever play on the venerable British mainstay." 1000 omgs

John - Quite a respectable biscuit.  I'm feeling a little badly for the Jaffa cake which will have its work cut out for it when it comes to the FBR review table.  850 omgs

Sean - "Really?  Virulent biscuits??  Is that where we are now?  If some of these biscuits contained just a little bit of kale, I don't think anyone would be sick right now, do you?  Time to get real people..."


Up next:  Pim's Raspberry!

* we suspect it's the pride of the Belgian biscuit industry but we didn't do any research to verify that it was true.  They have to be up there pretty high though.

** Belgium is not large, nor is it in Asia.  It is a small European country.  Some people mistakenly think Greece is an Asian country.  Also not true. It's in Europe as well.

*** not really Emilia
**** also not Emilia

***** There is no scientific evidence of Pim's orange causing colds.  We suspect the vitamin C contained in the marmalade probably provides a major health benefit. Again, we have no scientific evidence that these health benefits exist. We didn't want to bother Science as it seems to have a lot on its plate, so we just assumed.  Approximately no other FBR staff members, hangers-on or interns caught a cold so it probably wasn't the biscuit.

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The Infamous "Tim Tam Slam" Attempt...

Erin here, known for my reconnection with a long lost favourite biscuit, the Tim Tam (reference my review on the first post). Last we were together was in 2006, when I lived in NZ, and I would purchase a varied selection of Tim Tams whenever I went to the grocery store...corner store...mall. Today, in delightful haste, I attempted my first "Tim Tam Slam" which, for those unaware, involves biting off the opposite corners of a Tim Tam, and using the biscuit as a straw to draw up a beverage. I had my morning coffee in hand and, away I went, with caution thrown to the tasty wind. By golly, I was successful! In my sheer excitement, I went for a second sip and, to the detriment of my common sense, and clothing, my morning coffee melted the chocolate and I indented the biscuit into the shape of my hand, resultantly spilling coffee onto my scarf and shirt, narrowly missing my pants. Needless to say, I was most pleased with the delightful coffee and chocolate mix, and would highly recommend giving this a try. A disclaimer I would add now that I'm a veteran "Tim Tam Slammer" is to use once, then dispose of the biscuit into your stomach. Don't let the Tim Tam Slam YOU. Until next time, biscuit lovers, stay stocked with your favourite biscuits. And ask John to be in the general vicinity with a tea towel for clean up in aisle hilarity. :)

Biscuit Review #2 - Tim Tam (Chewy Caramel)

Hi biscuit eaters!  We're back with our second review.  We've headed back to Australia* for another Tim Tam offering. This time it's the Chewy Caramel. 


This lovely biscuit proved to be very popular with the FBR staff. Essentially, it's a Tim Tam original with the addition of some chewy caramel in the middle. Safe to say that the good people at Arnott's know a thing or two about biscuit engineering. 

Our staff of top biscuit eaters contributed their reviews**

Erin - "Just as I remember. Biscuit heaven. It also induced a mild Tim Tam coma that caused me to try a Tim Tam Slam with a regular TT."  See the results in her TT Slam posting. 1000 omgs
Emilia - "Well, I did suggest caramel and this had caramel."  600 omgs
Betty - OMG x 1000!!  1000 omgs
Lorraine - "Impressed that the Aussies are making such delectable biscuits. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. We haven't done Walker's Shortbread yet." 1000 omgs
John - "I quite liked it."  750 omgs
Sean - "you said there was kale in this one. There's not. That's not funny."  50 omgs

* we didn't actually head to Australia. We went to a Metro*** and got the Tim Tams there. 

** although quotation marks are used to make you think that's what the person said, they might not have actually said that. But it was pretty much what they meant. There were a lot of people there and it was noisy. 

*** Metro is a Canadian grocery store for our international readers. 


Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Biscuit Review #1 - Tim Tam (Original)

Hi biscuit lovers!  Welcome back to one of the most popular foreign biscuit review blogs ever!




This week we start strong with the Aussie juggernaut, Tim Tam from Arnott's. It was brought to our attention by FBR Southern Hemisphere expert, Erin.  We reviewed this gem from down under last week and it was a hit with the entire staff of FBR.  Our good friends at Wikipedia describe the biscuit thusly: "A Tim Tam is composed of two layers of chocolate malted cookie, separated by a light chocolate cream filling, and coated in a thin layer of textured chocolate."

Our top staff contributed these reviews:

Erin - Reunited and it feels so good!  Welcome back to my life Tim Tams.  100 omgs
Emilia - decent but needed caramel.  72 omgs
Betty - OMG  100 omgs
Lorraine - not Scottish, but definitely not crap.  Overall - brilliant!  100 omgs
John - quite lovely. 91 omgs
Sean - good, but lacking in kale.  50 omgs


Next up - Tim Tam Chewy Caramel!

Welcome!! Care for a biscuit?

Hi biscuit lovers!  Welcome to the Foreign Biscuit Review.  The premise of this blog is pretty simple. Our crew of top biscuit eaters will eat foreign* biscuits and then review the results of the biscuit eating.

* - we will be eating and reviewing biscuits that are not from Canada.  We reserve the right to relax the foreign content rules and include a yummy domestic biscuit in the review.  Especially if you are a domestic biscuit maker and you give us some.

Thanks for visiting!